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Thursday, August 1, 2013

Five Investing Tips From Carlos Danger

Progressive Babes Love Carlos Danger Weiners
Progressive Babes Love Carlos Danger Weiners (Photo credit: tomblanton1957)
By Investment U

Boston, Aug.1, best stock to buy .- Hello, my friends. It is I, Carlos Danger.

Marc Lichtenfeld, who usually writes this column on Wednesdays, is preoccupied at the moment on Twitter, so I, whose generosity can be matched by no man, have offered to step in for him.

Come with me, I want to show you something. Wait, where are you going? I'm talking about advice on investing. Perhaps you thought I was referring to something else?

Just follow my five investing tips, and you too can invest like Carlos Danger.

  1. There's no such thing as too much risk. Like my relationships with women (and there are many), the riskier the better. When it comes to investing, I also take on as much risk as I can. How else am I going to make the big money? Uh, not that I need it. I don't. Really. Whether I'm tweeting pictures of myself to 22-year-old women I've never met, or investing in penny stocks, it always works out for the best. So take those big risks. What could possibly go wrong?

  1. Using judgment is boring. Making sound, practical decisions is for ordinary men, not for Carlos Danger. Where's the fun in that? Like gold? Put most of your assets in it. Love energy? Buy only energy stocks. When I invest, I buy what feels good at the moment. Asset allocation is not for men like Carlos Danger. I go with my gut. I don't worry about what will happen if my wife finds out I invested her entire retirement account in Rick's Cabaret (Nasdaq: RICK). If she is upset, I will just apologize, sell the stock and buy it again a few months later.Never admit you're wrong. If you believe in an investment, hang on to it no matter what. Only weak people admit they're wrong. In the markets, that means never set a stop loss. That way, I never sell at a loss, which is the same as admitting I was wrong, which of course I wasn't.
  1. Don't worry about the future. I sure don't. If I need money today (which of course I don't), I sell my stocks. I don't concern myself with the long term. Things always work out for Carlos Danger. There is no reason to invest for five or 10 years down the road by owning quality companies that raise their dividend every year. A stock like Johnson & Johnson (NYSE: JNJ) is not a Carlos Danger stock.
  1. Pay no attention to cost. Carlos Danger doesn't worry about cost. That's for lesser men. I pay whatever price has to be paid and so should you. Some people claim that keeping your costs lower is an important way to increasing your returns. But I give all my money to my broker. Sure, he charges me 1% plus other fees that I don't even know about. But this way, I don't have to spend time looking after my money. He does it. I'm sure he cares just as much about my money as I do. And that way I'm free to pursue other, er, interests.
So now, my friends, you know how to invest as successfully as Carlos Danger. Next time, we'll go over how to have an incredibly fruitful social life.
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